Corporate actions

Welcome to our column Mr Board, where we answer all your questions regarding proper corporate behavior in all situations. From handling meetings with heads of state to the proper way of hiding insider trading details

Q :  Often during work meetings, I realise I do not really know what purpose the meeting will achieve, why am I there or indeed what is being discussed ? I am not sure how does one participate in these meetings

A : This is a very good question and is the first question that every single employee should ask himself after he has taken a look at the agenda. A good agenda should not cover more than 5 items in an hour. In this, the first item should last 55 minutes and the rest 4 can be covered like Usain Bolt running downhill with a tailwind because “Let’s take this offline and circle back” is a good approach to waste everyone’s time.

Corporate meetings are like a miasma of smoke, fog and clouds from where, every participant has to find his way out at the earliest. So take the seat nearest to the door from so that you can walk off hurriedly with the urgency of an ICU surgeon, looking at your phone mumbling “Guys, I need to take this” and return only with the Halley’s comet.  Ideally, we recommend joining via a telecon so that you can turn the camera off and do your yoga. There is a possibility however, even here you might be ambushed and expected to come back with a quick input.  In these cases, to cover up your lack of interest and attention, a good way is, when asked for your opinion, you say,” I think it is necessary to align this with risk and compliance”. This has proven to be safe, economical and reliable in every possible situation in a work meeting, unless you are working with the mafia.

Q : But would this be ethical ?

A : Prima facie ceteris paribus, No.

Q : Huh…What the hell does “prima facie ceteris paribus” mean ?

A : Not sure .. We got it from our legal team, so probably it is used to just sound impressive but mean little. We suspect they took it from a Harry Potter spell but usually after we answer in Latin, there are no more questions.

Q : Our company has adopted a new mission statement “We make life worth living” . The last one was “We put U before US”. Our CEO mentioned that this will set us on our next stage of growth to unlock our potential. What does this really mean for me as an IT helpdesk consultant?

A : Mission statements are not to be ridiculed. At least not openly. All companies have mission statements which make them sound like the Nobel peace prize winner at the Miss Universe finals. But think about it. Without a mission statement, you would have had dazed employees walking around like apocalypse survivors in a tie. Employees with a double mortgage, a 17-year son who still manages to miss the toilet bowl and a dog whose barking hours are from 10 PM – 4 AM, walking around aimlessly or spilling out of chairs without an idea what their purpose is. Your company has taken the big decision to have a mission statement. After a couple of years, they should try to have a mission as well. For you personally, you can rest assured that you are making life worth living for the CEO.

(NOTE: “Prima Facie Ceteris Paribus” would have made a real good mission statement)

Q : I am interviewing for a job. The post is for an administrative assistant but I am asked about my views on the Middle-East conflict, what value would I bring to the job and what are my strengths and weaknesses. I am uncertain as to how do they relate to the tasks I have to do as an admin assistant?

A : These kind of questions are prepared by HR after a great deal of research and beer …well mostly beer. It is kind of difficult to have a proper answer to these questions so a general good answer to give to the interviewer in these cases to put an end to it is “I have a video of you naked with a goat”.

Q : I work at an consulting company and we usually implement IT solutions to add value to customer operations. However, my delivery team comes up with estimates that are way above the client budgets. How can I meet my targets?

A :  Actually IT consultants have been adding value ever since they realised MS PowerPoint supports “copy and paste”. By now so much value has been added that Governments are storing it in warehouses and national vaults, should we ever run out of value in the future. However, one pesky thing that is needed to add value, is to actually deliver it, which is always an issue with client budgets. Budgets are usually calculated as the balancing figure after deducting all management bonuses from the revenue. So, it indeed is an issue. We are Mr Board, suggest that you basically add the word “Digital”, “Cognitive” or if you are really feeling lucky, “Quantum” and just sit back and see how fast those proposals for “Cognitive Quantum upgrade of Digital Email servers” get approved by the customers with the energy of a bunny on Viagra.

Q :  Err…would this be ethical ?

A :  Ah…err…. Prima facie ceteris paribus

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, that was all from Mr Board for now. Till the next meeting then, look out for the agenda.