Machibet Live Why we never forget those who love us despite our flaws

It was a remarkable exchange with a special friend. I told her, “I remember you every morning when I use the fragrant lavender soaps you gave me as a gift.” She said, “I guess that is all you ever remember of me. It takes a soap to make you think of me!” I felt defensive and replied, “I have a thousand reasons to think of you. I don’t need a soap for that. But why do you think the soap is an insignificant reminder?” It made me ponder: Why do I think of somebody? What makes me remember someone?My mother died years ago. My father died decades ago. Even before they died, I lived for years away from them because of my work. Yet not a day passes that I don’t think of them. I am astounded by it. They believed in their son having an independent life and let me live my life in my own way. They would have been surprised to hear that they are still so ever present in my life. medium100468826Of course, I loved them. Still, isn’t it unusual that I still miss them? Every time I travel and arrive at a new place and see something pretty, I find myself helplessly mulling, “He would have loved to see this.” My father loved to travel and see new things. I can’t get over the fact that, as I travel to new places and live in new towns, I don’t get to share them with him. My mother didn’t like to travel. She just liked to sit with me and talk over a cup of tea. Every afternoon, as I make myself tea, I cannot resist the recurring thought, “I wish she were sitting next to me and I could talk to her.” I ask myself why they are forever popping in my life and in my stray thoughts. Then I remember a memorable line from the poet Rabindranath: I can’t but recall forever the one who accepts me with all my foibles in the fullest compassion. I knew that if I went to prison for a heinous crime, they would unhesitatingly turn up there the next morning – though they would also unhesitatingly let me know what they thought of my wrongdoing. I knew, with absolute certainty, that I would never lose their affection no matter how short I fell of their standards. medium100475271In fact, they were very different persons from me. On many things we held rather different views. No matter, I was their son, a person beloved, and there was nothing I could do to forfeit their love. The assurance of their affection was absolute, cast in concrete. It was wonderful to bask in their caring, knowing I never had to fear losing their affection.It is never possible to move away from the comforting incandescence of such acceptance. Not even in years or decades. Not just my parents, I find that my mind keeps crawling back, almost like a toddler, to those who are generous enough to overlook my countless failings and anoint me with their acceptance. They know full well I am far from perfect; they have found out or can guess my shortcomings. They still care for me. That is too precious a gift to let go. In a cold or at least lukewarm world, I can’t live without the warmth of that benign assurance. However strong I am, I am too weak not to long for the support of unquestioning love. medium100475345I have been fortunate to have had friends who have cared for me for no reason of merit. Mark Twain said that admission to heaven was by favour; if it were by merit, your dog would go in and you would stay out. I realise that whatever caring I have been fortunate to receive has little to do with my merit. I have simply had the favour of others’ warmheartedness. What do I need to remember somebody? Very little and very much. A smile is good enough. Or a kind word. A gentle gesture, of warmth or helpfulness, will remain with me for a long time. I can still recall vividly a teacher in my earliest school who made me feel wanted. Or a teammate who lent me a hand when I hurt myself in football. The most precious surely is love. One who can overlook my impatience or irritation and accept my limitations with infinite grace will have surely paved my entry to the wonderland of human connection. That is unquestionably unforgettable. Yes, a bar of soap is a significant reminder.Read more articles from the author here