‘Motu. Chashmish. Taklu. Lambu’: India’s big fat shaming problem

Smriti Raut (name changed) was packing her seven-year-old son’s school bag when she noticed that his compass box did not have the pencils she had packed the previous day. This had been happening very often. Raut wondered how Arjun had become so careless, but she pulled out a few new pencils from the cupboard and put them in anyway. Seeing this, Arjun dashed towards her, snatched the pencils from her hand and threw them out of the window before bursting into tears. After much coaxing, Arjun revealed that an older boy in the school bus had “confiscated” his pencils. The boy had called Arjun “motu”, “chasmish” and had even spat on him. “I was aghast,” says the Gurugram-based mom.Arjun isn’t the only child who has faced body shaming. One would have imagined that our society would have become more inclusive and sensitive thanks to the body positivity movement, but shaming remains rampant and kids are not spared either, say parents. Recently, Congress leader Shama Mohamed had called Indian cricket team captain Rohit Sharma “fat for a sportsman” revealing the deeply embedded notions regarding an ideal body type. Mom blogger Anita Chandhoke says it is so natural for grandparents, aunts, uncles and even strangers to comment on a child’s physical appearance — ‘kitna gol matol hai’ (he’s so round) or ‘kitni sukdi patli hai’ (she’s like a twig) — that almost every child would have faced body shaming at some point in their formative years. The Chennai resident had recently posted reels about her own experiences — first, she was shamed for her postpartum weight gain and now, she often hears comments about how thin her four-year-old son is or how his complexion is wheatish. “So many people reshared and commented that my reels went viral. Many moms wrote to me, pouring their heart out about the body shaming their kid had faced. I realised this is not a problem only in my life, rather it is a societal issue.”Chandhoke says random people in her neighbourhood have advised her to apply nalangu maavu (herbal powder) to improve her son’s skin tone and asked why she does not feed him well. She says, “I emphatically tell these people, ‘Every kid is unique. My son is eating well, he is well hydrated. But thank you for your concern’. I wonder why people can’t keep their opinions to themselves?”Affects body imageHema Mehta (name changed), a Mumbai-based dentist, knows how traumatic experiencing body shaming can be. Earlier, she used to feel low when people talked about her daughter being “too tiny for her age” and now, six-year-old Ria is getting affected too. “Ria keeps asking me when she will become tall and wants me to enrol her in athletics class so she can grow. She also refused to eat mithai recently saying she wants to become tall, not fat,” says Mehta. “It breaks my heart to see my baby losing her confidence because of the unnecessary comments on her structure. My husband and I are small built too, so it is natural for her to be like us. The paediatrician is happy with her growth, so why should people keep questioning us?”Mehta points out that she has been hearing comments about Ria’s size from the day she was born. “I get looks almost every day when we are walking to school as people feel she looks too small to be in grade one. Some moms brazenly ask me why she is so tiny and remark about how such a small girl is carrying such a big schoolbag.” Mehta says two mothers recently went to the extent of directly asking Ria, “When are you going to become big? You are like this from junior kg.”Child psychologist Riddhi Doshi Patel says body shaming has a profound impact on a child’s self-esteem and emotional health. “They start doubting their own capabilities and start distrusting themselves,” she says. A child who is body shamed at school experiences a lot of confusion and this may come out in the form of tension or irritation, changes in body language as well as changes in eating and sleeping habits, say experts. “Watch out for these signs,” Patel adds.No gender gap here Sexuality educator Anju Kish, who conducts workshops for adolescents at schools across the country, says during her workshops, children often open up to her about the criticism they face. “While girls have talked about the pressure to be Sephora girls, boys have admitted they are too shy to enter the school swimming pool because other boys mock them for having breasts,” she says. Kish adds that breast development among boys is common because of hormonal changes during puberty and that kids need to be sensitised about the growing-up changes so they are kind to each other.Patel says boys, in particular, can be very mean to each other. “From mocking those with less facial hair in the classroom to teasing kids about their penis size in the restroom, you can’t imagine the shaming boys experience,” she says. ShowQuotesShaming begins at homeExperts point out that children are not only subjected to body shaming at school or in building compounds, but also within the four walls of their homes. Nutritionist Azhar Ali Sayed who runs diet app Pango says many parents have approached him for weight loss programs for their kids and he has noticed that a significant proportion of them taunt and scold their child even during consultations. “I am surprised by this trend. I shudder to think what they must be doing at home. I understand that today’s parents are more fitness conscious and want their child to have a healthier body, but shaming the child is not acceptable,” he says, “In such cases, we counsel the parents rather than the child.” Sayed recently put up a social media video begging parents to stop shaming their kids as it is more harmful than helpful. Filmmaker Karan Johar recently revealed that he had unconsciously shamed his son for putting on too much weight during a holiday. Johar later realised he made a mistake as he himself has been battling body image issues, so he apologised to his son. But most parents don’t even realise that they are body shaming their kids, experts say. In fact, a section of parents believe that they are doing a favour to their kids by showing them the mirror: ‘If I don’t tell her she needs to lose weight, then who will?’ or ‘His paunch is growing. I would rather correct him now so he is not mocked when he goes to college’. These parents believe that they are ‘fact-stating’, not fat-shaming their kids, and that this will motivate their child to lose weight. But psychologists say this approach can have a detrimental effect. Studies have found that kids who have faced weight-based teasing at home are more prone to eating disorders when they grow up. A 2016 report by the American Academy of Pediatrics warned parents against prescribing or discussing weight loss with kids because this can backfire and increase risk for weight gain, as well as cause psychological harm in the long run. medium119044953Weigh your words, not your kidsConsidering weight issues have become common among kids — India ranks second highest in the world in childhood obesity — conversations around the subject are unavoidable. Experts believe parents need to talk to kids with sensitivity, not judgment. “It is a parent’s responsibility to guide the child back onto the correct path, but there are many ways to do this without resorting to criticism,” says parent coach Pallavi Rao Chaturvedi.She adds that parents must refrain from saying things like ‘Oh my god, you’ve become so fat’, ‘You’re not looking good in that dress’ and so on. “Children typically tend to gain weight in their preteen and teen years. They are already very sensitive and rebellious at that stage. So, if you tell them to not eat a packet of chips because they are fat, rest assured the chips will be eaten. At that stage, kids want to show that they are too cool to care about your opinion,” says Chaturvedi, adding that the parents need to focus on talking to kids about health and fitness rather than body weight (see box).Patel says parents whose kids have been victims of body shaming need to be very patient and support their child to ensure the experience does not shatter their confidence. Chaturvedi agrees: “How you talk to a child or what you think of your child, shapes their inner voice. So, choose your words wisely and ensure you are instilling body positivity from a young age.” medium119044965Raut has been trying to do this. She has been telling Arjun that he looks very smart with glasses and she also buys him a new pair every six months so he is excited about wearing them. “I keep telling him that we wear glasses for the safety of our eyes and that our eyes are more important than other people's opinions,” she says, adding that they have been going for counselling too. Arjun is slowly becoming more confident about wearing his specs while he is at school, but he still takes them off and puts them in his bag before he enters the school bus.