Couples stay apart to get closer

For nearly a year after their marriage, Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk lived apart, in separate homes to "keep things fresh". As per the advice of her intimacy teacher, Gwyn and her husband lived in the same house four nights a week, while the rest of the three nights, Brad lived in his own house close to the actress'. "Oh, all my married friends say that the way we live sounds ideal and we shouldn't change a thing," Gwyn said of her unconventional living arrangement in an interview.
Much like Gwyn, several couples today are experimenting with a new relationship format - Living Apart Together (LAT) - to keep the spark alive in a relationship, to pursue their hobbies or just enjoy some 'me-time'.
According to NYU graduate Ambika Shahani, who works in Mumbai as an investment banker and takes two days off in a relationship, the practice has allowed her to breathe. "Staying together all the time can be very overwhelming. Some days you don't feel like getting up in the morning but your partner is a gym freak and forces you to workout. There are days I feel like watching my kind of shows and veg out in front of TV with a pizza and he wants to go out with friends. There are days you want to come home and don't feel like talking at all. These are the things we can do in break days and present our best selves in a relationship. My boyfriend and I are happiest this way. Consent is very important for such relationships."
A recently conducted worldwide relationship survey by the University of Bradford reveals that more and more couples are opting for off days in a relationship. Apart from LAT, terms like 'weekday couple', 'two days off couple' are defining modern relationships today. Here's a look at the why and how of it.
REASONS WHY COUPLES WANT DAYS OFF

To keep the spark alive: “Virtually every relationship starts out the same way — you can’t keep your hands off each other, you get excited at the mere thought of them, you love all of the same things, and you never have disagreements. Then, suddenly, it all changes. You no longer want to have sex every day, you crave space, and you realise that not everything is perfect. Before a couple reaches this point, a 'me time' break in a relationship can save the couple and help keep the spark alive,” says Dr Shalini Malhotra, a relationship expert based out of Mumbai.
For 'me- time': London-based psychotherapist and broadcaster Lucy Beresford, author of the book Happy Relationships, thinks taking a day or two off in a relationship "allows for something called individuation. Some people might like a calm space to go to, or a little meditation room, yoga, write a book, poetry, or paint. But presumably, some have more mundane wishes, such as space where lids are replaced on bottles and jars, and the toilet is flushed, the house is cleaned or as simple as watching your favourite movies or football where your partner is not criticising you. Either way, living apart together gives you breathing space." It allows one to enjoy the best of both worlds - independence and emotional commitment.
For creative pursuits: Pune-based architect Shibani Khanna, who is in an LAT relationship with an Australian man, says living apart has helped them stay sane. "There's so much to talk about when we meet. We tried living together but our jobs require creative work and hours on laptops and phone. Now imagine doing this in front of the people you love. Sitting next to one another and not talking at all. We do all these things while we are away. And when we are together, there's no phone calls, laptops or silence. We talk, cook together and do everything that we love," says Shibani.
BOX:
MILLENNIALS LOVERS WANT MORE 'ME TIME': SURVEY

Relationship expert Dr Shalini Malhotra and couples' therapist Dr Dina Shah conducted a relationship survey in 2019 across four Indian cities - Delhi, Mumbai, Bengaluru and Pune - as part of their PhD and found out that having a 'me time' in the relationship is popular among millennial couples. Some of the other findings were that:
- Out of....... couples, 40 per cent of couples said they try not to stay together for a day or two
- 5 per cent of them are doing this to save the relationship from break-ups, 10 per cent are LAT couples and rest 25 are doing this to keep the spark alive
BOX:
The pros:
A break helps one appreciate one’s partner
Gives a breathing space and individualism
Allows one to explore hobbies and other interests
Allows one to avoid silly fights over watching football and TV shows or cleaning rituals
Sex is great post a break
The cons:
Decreased family time
Decreased emotional intimacy and connection
Increased financial burden
Lack of touch
BOX:
CELEBS WHO SWEAR BY LAT:

Gwyneth Paltrow: She and her husband lived apart three nights a week for the first year of their marriage to keep things "fresh".
Kaley Cuoco: The actress has been living apart from husband Karl Cook while she films for a new project, says, "Life is about finding a balance. Living apart worked out fine for us. I have no problem with it."
Claire Danes: The actress says that though her husband Hugh Dancy and she live apart due to work, "living away gives them a creative space."
David and Victoria Beckham: Victoria once gave a peek into their living arrangements in an interview, where she said, "We lead very different lives, divided by homes in both The United States and England. I prefer to spend time in the UK working on a fashion line, while David does his own thing.”