Firstborn and female? You are the family favorite, says science
Parental favoritism is real, but most of the times it is not intentional
Let’s face it—most parents say they love all their kids equally. And in most cases, they genuinely believe they do. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find that many families carry a quiet imbalance: one child gets more praise, more patience, more forgiveness, while another is left trying to earn it. That’s the reality of parental favoritism, and it can leave emotional scars that last well into adulthood. This isn't about bashing parents—most favoritism isn't intentional. But whether it’s subtle or obvious, favoritism shapes a child’s self-worth, sibling dynamics, and even long-term mental health.
Here's what a new study published in Psychological Bulletin
A published in the Psychological Bulletin has revealed that parental favoritism is influenced by birth order, gender, temperament, and personality. "We also examined whether links were moderated by multiple factors (i.e., parent gender, age, reporter, domain of parenting/favoritism). Multilevel meta-analysis data were collected from 30 peer-reviewed journal articles and dissertations/theses and 14 other databases," the researchers have said.
What did the study find?
The researchers found that when favoritism was based on autonomy and control, parents tended to favor older siblings. Further, parents reported favoring daughters. Conscientious and agreeable children also received more favored treatment. For conscientious children, favoritism was strongest when based on differences in conflict (i.e., more conscientious children had relatively less conflict with their parents).
Parental favoritism can show up in many ways
Parental favoritism is when one child consistently receives more positive attention, resources, or emotional support than the other(s). It can show up in all kinds of ways—from who gets scolded more, to who always gets the bigger slice of cake, to whose achievements get celebrated and whose are overlooked.
It’s not just in our heads, either. Research shows that a significant number of parents (yes, even well-meaning ones) have a "favorite" child—consciously or not. That favoritism might change over time depending on behavior, achievements, or even life circumstances. But the impact? That can stick.
How parental favoritism affects the less favored child
The effects of favoritism can be deep and lasting. Constant comparison can make a child feel “not good enough,�?no matter how hard they try. Resentment and anger develops towards the favored sibling and also toward the parents. The child might overachieve in hopes of gaining approval. Depression, anxiety, and relationship issues often trace back to feeling unloved or invisible at home. And it doesn’t always stop when childhood ends. Adults who grew up in a family with favoritism often carry those wounds into their own relationships, parenting styles, and self-image.
What about the favored child?
While it might seem like the favored child has it easy, they also bear a different kind of pressure. They’re often expected to succeed, to be perfect, to live up to a pedestal that’s hard to maintain. Some may develop guilt for receiving more love or attention. Others grow up with inflated egos, believing they’re superior—and struggling with failure when the world doesn’t treat them the same way. Sibling bonds can suffer too. Favoritism is one of the top reasons siblings grow distant or hostile toward each other. The emotional split it causes can last a lifetime.
How parents can fix it
The good news? It’s possible to repair and prevent favoritism, but it starts with awareness and honesty. Ask yourself if you relate more to one child than the other—and why. It’s okay to admit it. The goal isn’t to feel guilty, but to become more mindful. Spend individual time with each child, one-on-one time helps every child feel seen and valued. It doesn’t have to be grand—just consistent. Avoid comparisons, even subtle ones. Saying things like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?�?may seem harmless, but it stings. Focus on each child’s strengths. Praise efforts, not just results; show love for the journey, not just the outcome. That way, all kids feel encouraged, not just the high-achievers. Be fair with rules and discipline; it’s not about treating all kids exactly the same—it’s about being consistent and just in your expectations.
If you’ve played favorites in the past, acknowledge it. Even a simple, “I didn’t realize how that made you feel, and I’m sorry,�?can open the door to healing.
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